death

an angel has passed away. she is our angel. supposedly the second daughter of my cousin, mother side. i was shocked by the bad news from my sister through text. angel is pre matured baby, 7months. so yeah, i guess that makes it more complicated. i called my cousin right away and as i was expecting, she was crying and i cant help but cry as well. i feel for my cousin. its her daughter. i cant say its ok because i know its not. i just told her that its better this way than for angel to have more sacrifices, she has been through a lot already. she is now in the hands of our Lord.

i cannot help but to think about my fear of death after that. i mean, im not fucking afraid to die but i am so fucking scared to be left alone. i wouldnt know what to do, really... ill be lost. just the thought of it, scares the hell out of me. there is very big difference between knowing that you are only seperated by distance AND being seperated by life and death. i know this is being selfish but sometimes i am wishing that ill die first before all my loved ones leave me.