toxic!

fuck! this is really so fetch! ang daming deadlines! ganun pla un?! whattafuck tlga! ive only been working for a week here, but fuck, its been like a year! im not complaining... its just that... hmmm, alright im complaining! hehehe... cant get through with so much toxicness at the office then here comes my fone, wanting to be part of it! the memory card needs to be formatted!!! sniff! and i cant barely imagine doin that bcoz all my precious data will be gone sniff :( first in line is all fatimah's messages! oh my goodness, kill me now! im still not doin anything but i guess i really have to format it! and now im dead! fuck! the good thing is that i was able to saved all the pictures on a cd (smartness, hehehe) anyways, enough of this.

i miss iWeb.

i miss sayang.

i miss everyone.

i miss evreything.

i miss my life.

last shift

my last saturday shift...

my last graveyard shift at iWeb...

i never thought to leave so soon... i mean, leaving for real. because before were all just plans. although i know that this is going to happen, i cannot help but... but sigh.

i will miss everybody...
terima kasih...

convince me more

i had a feeling that i was going fucking nowhere sometimes... and i know its normal. with this sudden change, i am happy that i made a decision. i am quite gettin the fucking hang of it... i understand more my job description and im learning the flaws as well, hmmm...

i had a sensible coversation with tibo juz awhile ago (well, its always meaningful whenever i talk to him). it all started with his one comment, he said i look like happy with my new job. and i said, really? i am? then i told to him that he could be seeing the other happiness in me.

a person who leaves for a new job shows you happiness, always... it is either he is really happy with where he is right now OR (and USUALLY) he shows he is happy juz to convince evryone that he made the correct decision, and that includes himself.

so where do i fall? i actually paused for awhile and i realized that i am... hmmm, in between.

i gave them the collage i made as a remembrance :)

my last friday shift.

respect

“In the end we are all separate: our stories, no matter how similar, come to a fork and diverge. We are drawn to each other because of our similarities, but it is our differences we must learn to respect.”

i dunno why my body system reacted that way. that was before lunch when ma'am milo and boss ed asked me to sit with them. they said that they arent questioning my relationship with the workers in our company, and that includes my team actually: carpenters, in finishing, upholstery, helpers, in deliveries, etc... i call them like "mang elmer" "ate gemma" "tito edwin" and the likes, and they dont want me to do that from now on. and i was like, what the fuck??! how dyou supposedly want me to call them now? --- first name basis. and i can barely imagine :(

their main reason is for me to gain respect from them. that they will follow any instructions ill give them... but sigh, thats not what i believe... its not in the name... it will sound more professional daw, sus! i said il try but they said, its not a favor, i must do it.

my last tuesday shift.

shape your life

from shaila's friendster blog:

unless you shape your life, circumstances will shape it for you.
you have to work, sacrifice, invest and persist to get the result you want.
choose them well!
you cant start planning until you know where you want to go.

take each day in stride...

this was our topic last night. me, kuya arman and abs while we were having a smoke break. kuya arman said that this couldnt be applicable to everybody. just like any other words of wisdom, you know. because again, we are all fuckin deviants in our own ways, and i absolutely believe on that.

goin back to the topic, hmmm... it actually hit me. i know that i am a come-what-may kind of person. like, the hell i care about what would happen next. it is HIS will anyway, and theres nothin we can do on His plans. but as i am gettin older (sigh, hehehe) im learning that it is necessary to plan for the future, little plans wont harm... and its always my past time to do daydreaming, hehehe... and to have dreams are like planning already.

libby is absent, ka rey cant come to work, and shaila is sick... so for tonight, its sprint team... hehehe... me-joey-neil-abs

my last monday shift.

counting the days

which one do i have to utter: there are STILL 4 shifts to go.... OR.... there are ONLY 4 days left ??? *sniff* i prefer the latter *sniff*

this is fuckin insane, its as if im dying... im counting the days. and dammit, this is my last sunday shift :( [dyou know that after i typed that, i paused for awhile bcoz i cant breath? wtf] hmmm, anyways... i have come to realized that... hmmm, i dunno... basta im sad... i was on my way to the office tonight and i cant help but to think that next sunday would be very different. i will not set my alarm at 7:30pm, i will not do things as quickly as possible like taking a bath and eating dinner (if theres still more time, hehehe), i will not say my mantra while waiting for the ayala fx cab... i will not do all of that anymore --- next sunday and the following days.

i will miss that... i will miss everything... i will miss everybody --- no question. it will be very hard for me to detach myself from all the things and people that and who i had with for more than a year. it is more than a system... more than a routine... it is my life.

my last sunday shift.

drama thingie

whatta weekend! evrybody knows about it na... i told it first to dan last friday night, sept08... he was like, i-didnt-see-it-coming reaction. which i understand. i didnt give any signs, clues, or anything... because i really dont have reason to. hmmm, the only reason is career growth (and thats the best reason ). i was touched by what he said, he was more than like a boss that time, a friend... because i told him i dont know how to say it with the rest of the guys. parting ways. i told them after shift --- joey, neil, ai, abs, and kuya arman. i told it to shaila on sunday shift. and she cried like a baby. she doesnt want me to go. i was so touched. she said i am one of her close friends amongst us. that she can easily open up anything to me. i dont fucking know how to stop her from crying. sigh.

oh no, its monday now... il be seeing joey and the rest. hmmm, i cant talk much about the new job, nothing's special. i was at the cupi at 2pm when tibo texted me, why i am resigning. i replied, he replied, i explained, he joked around... and liberty is already aware about it, of course natz will be aware... hmmm, and dexter... and i told to fatimah... so much fuckin drama... like i dont wanna think about it, but i cannot. they dont want me to go... theyre not convince that nothing will fuckin change... which, maybe true. i told fatimah that i juz need to get the hang of my new job. and once i get the fuck out of it, i can do the usual things. but she doubts it. even dexter, he was sad about me leaving. like as if he is so much affected... hehehe. liberty, i feel her sadness too. i thank evryone, neil, abs, kuya arman, natz, ai, and shai. and joey's... weve been through a lot already. double sigh.

i am more than lonely right now... when i was in the process of decision making, i cried because of confusion. and alright, i admit, i was scared at the same time. today is different... as the 23rd is fuckin nearly approaching, its starting to synch in... yeah, theyre right... its going to be a whole fuckin new world. and theres no way out now. i dont wanna be selfish but it is better that i am the one leaving, because i could never bear to be left behind, never... i cant take that, id rather die. triple sigh.

answer briefly

let's do an essay this time...
for those who hve starbucks 2006 planner will surely be familiar w/ the questions, rock on\m/

wat dyou like doin or havin over and over again?
+ hmmm, i can sleep for 28hrs straight (w/o eating and drinkn), i can stay up for 3days (w/ lots of eating and drinkn), i can watch 5movies straight or finish 2seasons of a tv series ----if i really want to.

wat dyou find really irresistable?
+ money.. travel.. to be loved.. in that particular order. like, even if nobody loves me but ive got lots of money, i dont give a damn.

wat comforts u @ the end of a long stressful day?
+ been there and the answer is always... sleep in my bed with all my pillows. thats all i need.

wat dyou love to think or dream abt?
+ kaLoi bein successful and travelling around the world. havin special someone to be with is a bonus.

wat invokes ur emotions?
+ i am shallow, both ends. small things make me happy, i even laugh out loud at corny jokes. stories abt unfortunates, famine, and children melt my heart. i dont get mad easily though but if i do, then that only means im really mad and i curse sometyms, hehehe...

wat inspires u?
+ my dreams. my family. wat we've been through before. my frustrations.

wat makes ur heart go giddy-up?
+ txts. calls. chats. color green. strawberry cream frm starbucks. stars. fave songs. leisha hailey. camilla belle. dvd for my collection. car miniatures. nice jacket. pix.

©kaLoi090906

half

and it shouldnt be...

im half letting go and half holding back *sigh* did you ever experience having first day or first week jitters for a new job? like you dont fuckin know why you're there? you're trying so fuckin hard to fit in but seems like you really dont belong? yet evrybody is so fuckin excited about it? and all you can do is to look fine (and firm) while your heart is fuckin tearing inside? ----- i just did and still am.

twas so hard... twas not me...

ive talked to a few people. and i was already decided to stay a little more longer at iweb. why? im happier, no work pressure and definitely with a higher monthly compensation. hmmm, not until ive speak with my ninang bing. the only person ive talked to that is not bias. not that im sayin the others are bias but i know deep in their hearts that they want me to stay at cupi. that conversation was a fuckin eye-opener... i have come to realized that what i am going through right now is simply normal. im still on adjustment period. and i really need to give up something. i said to my mom that i was like assessing myself this past few days and i just realized that i am becoming i-want-more-money kind of person. well, honestly? yeah... hehehe!

im still confused but i know this is the right thing to do. i need this work experience and for sure it will help me a lot in the future. forget the high basic for now, forget the happiness, and most importantly *sigh* forget the fuckin free internet access evry night.

i can fuckin do it...

heritage1

its hitting the web like storm, hehehe... and its fun.>

optical illusions

feelin beat up

i was not able to report at iweb yesterday, monday shift... i was feelin fuckin sick! errr, i was not sick but the feeling was worse than bein sick... since saturday, well until tonight actually... so i guess you know what im sayin...

collection 110

The L Word Seasons 1,2,3 + south of nowhere + all over me + better than chocolate + boys dont cry + but im a cheerleader + chasing amy + GIA + if these walls could talk 2 + incredibly true adventures of two girls in love + its in the water + my summer of love + watching you + mango kiss + desert hearts + bound + saving face + imagine me and you + lost and delirious + mulholland drive + kissing jessica stein + DEBS

l e s b i a n f i l m s

thanks to Lflicks! i salute you guys! before i have known about them, i only have lword seasons1&2, debs, if these walls, and boys dont cry... and i was like fucked up on thinking where the hell i can get the others?!? because i already have my list but i juz dunno where to get them, you know... my collection doesnt stop there... theres a lot more to come, Lflicks has new movies actually, hehehe... im loving it :p

CUPI

according to doctor guerrero, when applying for a job you should think ahead, its not just for the sake of having an experience. because the working experience you have at the moment might not be necessary for the career you want within the next ten years so its just going to be a nuisance. makes sense? hell yeah, it fucking does! and well, i guess im on the right track... beat that!

i dont regret not taking up the board exam right after college, hmmm as if i had a choice. actually i could have taken up the board exam last may2006 but i opted not to do so. for a simple reason that i still dont have the heart to do it. and yeah, im fucking scared, hehehe! but dont get me wrong, i still want to have that fucking license that keeps on making me frustrated everytime i see the classified ads... and im sure i can have it!

ive been very blessed. our family has been very blessed... and i thank you Lord. i am enjoying all that spontaneity of life you are letting us to experience. one of these is giving me the opportunity to be a part of CUPI. dammit, i just make a try and i didnt expect to be chosen. well, of course i wanted to be chosen but it also alright if i wont be the one. you know what my fucking job title is? production oic! whattafuck! really, what am i doing here?! i dont know if i will resign here at iWeb immediately. i still need this company, hehehe... you know what i mean im sure.

its all about furnitures. i am the production manager so ill be dealing with rough guys, hehehe... got a lot of men, from carpentry, finishing, upholstery and utilities. and this is for fucking real now --- i will report directly to the owner, ahahaha! i really thank boss ed modesto for this break, thank you for believing in me. i know i can use the working experience ill be getting from here because i am planning to pursue a niche in construction project management and sales... hehehe, im fucking talking about my long term goal now, whattafuck!

overall... i am happy, excited, thankful, and hehehe confious...